生活中一件特别重要的事情就是如何与人沟通。
与人沟通的技巧也是最重要的一个技巧之一。
如何提高这项能力呢？
今天的TED演讲给大家带来，10种方法让你更好地与人沟通。
All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
好的，我想让大家举手示意一下， 有多少人曾经因为你的Facebook 好友发表过关于政治，宗教， 儿童权益，或者食物等不恰当的言论黑过他们 ？
And how many of you know at least>有多少人至少有一个不想见的人， 只是因为你就不想和对方说话？
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,
要知道，在过去想要一段礼貌的交谈，
we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in 'My Fair Lady': Stick to the weather and your health.
我们只要遵循亨利·希金斯 在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告就可以：只谈论天气和你的健康状况就行了。
But these days,
但这些年，
with climate change and anti-vaxxing,
随着气候变化以及反对疫苗运动的开展 ——
those subjects --
这招
are not safe either.
也不怎么管用了。
So this world that we live in,
所以我们生活的这个世界，
this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument,
每一次交谈都有可能发展为争论的世界，
where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it,
政客无法彼此交谈， 甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的事情都有人群情激昂地赞成或反对，
it's not normal.
这太不正常了。
Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,
皮尤研究中心对一万名美国成年人做了一次调查，
and they found that at this moment,
他们发现此时此刻，
we are more polarized,
我们更加两极分化，
we are more divided,
我们的分歧更大，
than we ever have been in history.
比我们历史上任何时候都要高。
We're less likely to compromise,
我们更不愿意妥协，
which means we're not listening to each other.
这意味着我们没有倾听彼此。
And we make decisions about where to live,
我们做的各种决定，选择生活在何处，
who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,
与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友，
based>都只基于我们已有的信念。
Again, that means we're not listening to each other.
再重复一遍， 这说明我们没有倾听彼此。
A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,
交谈需要平衡讲述和倾听，
and somewhere along the way,
而不知怎么的，
we lost that balance.
我们却渐渐失掉了这种平衡。
Now, part of that is due to technology.
技术进步是部分原因。
The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.
比如智能手机， 现在就在你们手里，或者就在旁边，随手就能拿到。
According to Pew Research,
根据皮尤研究，
about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.
大约三分之一的美国青少年每天发一百多条短信。
And many of them,
而这中间很多人，
almost most of them,
几乎是所有人，
are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.
更倾向于给朋友发短信，而不是面对面的交谈。
There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
《大西洋》杂志 登过一篇很棒的文章，
It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.
这本书是由一位名叫保罗·巴恩韦尔的高中老师写的。
And he gave his kids a communication project.
他给自己的学生一项交流任务，
He wanted to teach them how to speak>希望教会他们如何不借助笔记针对某一话题发表演讲。
And he said this: 'I came to realize...'
然后他说：“我开始意识到……”
'I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
“我开始意识到交流能力可能是最被我们忽略的， 没有好好教授的技能。
Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,
孩子们每天花几个小时在屏幕上交流想法，
but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
但他们很少有机会磨练自己的人际沟通技巧。
It might sound like a funny question,
这听起来很好笑，
but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?'
但我们必须扪心自问：21世纪，有什么技能 会比维持一段连贯、 自信的谈话更为重要？”
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
现在，我的职业就是跟别人谈话。诺贝尔奖获得者、卡车司机、 亿万富翁、幼儿园老师，
heads of state, plumbers.
州长、水管工。
I talk to people that I like.
我和我喜欢的人交谈。
I talk to people that I don't like.
也和我不喜欢的人交谈。
I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply>我和在个人层面非常不认同的人交谈。
But I still have a great conversation with them.
但我仍旧和他们有很好的交流。
So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.
所以我希望用接下来的10分钟 教你们如何谈话，以及如何倾听。
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice>你们中间很多人已经听过无数建议，
things like look the person in the eye,
比如看着对方的眼睛，
think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look,
提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题， 注视，
nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,
点头并且微笑来表明你的专注，
repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
把你刚才听到的重复一遍，或者总结一下。
So I want you to forget all of that.
我想让你们忘掉所有这些，
It is crap.
全都没用。
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
根本没必要去学习如何表现你很专心，如果你确实很专心。
Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.
我其实是把作为职业访谈者 一模一样的技巧 用在了日常生活中。
So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,
好，我说说如何成为更好的沟通者。
and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.
这将帮助你学会跟别人更好的交谈。
Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time,
学会在不浪费时间的情况下进行谈话，
without getting bored, and, please God,
不会感到无聊，以及，最重要的是，
without offending anybody.
不会冒犯任何人。
We've all had really great conversations.
我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。
We've had them before.
以前都有过。
We know what it's like.
我们知道那是什么感觉。
The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
那种结束之后令你感到很享受，很受鼓舞的交谈，
or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.
或者你觉得自己已经建立了真正的联系，或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。
There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.
没有理由说你大部分人际互动不能成为那样。
So I have 10 basic rules.
所以我有10条基本规则。
I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly,
我会一条条给你们解释， 但说真的，
if you just choose>如果你选择一条并且熟练掌握，
you'll already enjoy better conversations.
你就会享受更愉快的交谈了。
Number>第一条：不要三心二意。
And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.
我不是说单纯放下你的手机、平板电脑、车钥匙， 或者随便什么握在手里的东西。
I mean, be present.
我的意思是，处在当下。
Be in that moment.
进入那个情境中去。
Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.
不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。
Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.
不要想着你晚饭吃什么。
If you want to get out of the conversation,
如果你不想谈了，
get out of the conversation,
那就别谈了，
but don't be half in it and half out of it.
但不要身在曹营心在汉。
Number two: Don't pontificate.
第二条：不要好为人师。
If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,
如果你想要表达自己的看法， 又不想留下任何机会让人 回应、争论、反驳或阐发，
write a blog.
那就写博客去。
Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits>有个很好的理由来说明我的谈话里为什么不允许有“专家说教”：因为真的很无聊。
If they're conservative,
如果对方是个保守派，
they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
他们会憎恨奥巴马、食品券和堕胎。
If they're liberal,
如果他们是自由派，
they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.
那一定会讨厌大银行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。
Totally predictable.
完全可以预测。
And you don't want to be like that.
你肯定不希望那样。
You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.
你需要在进入每一次交流时都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。
The famed therapist M.
著名的治疗师 M.斯科特·派克说过，
Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of>真正的倾听需要抛开自己。
And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.
有时这意味着放弃你的个人意见。
He said that sensing this acceptance,
他说感受到这种接纳，
the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.
说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感，因而越来越有可能打开自己的内心世界， 呈现给倾听者。
Again, assume that you have something to learn.
再强调一遍，假定你需要学习新东西。
Bill Nye: 'Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.'
比尔·奈伊说：“每一个你将要见到的人都有你不知道的东西。”
I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
我来复述一下：每个人都是某方面的专家。
Number three: Use open-ended questions.
第三：使用开放式问题。
In this case,
关于这一点，
take a cue from journalists.
请参考记者采访的提问方式。
Start your questions with who, what, when, where,
以“谁”、“什么”、“何时”、“何地”、
why or how.
“为什么”或“如何”开始提问。
If you put in a complicated question,
如果你提出一个复杂的问题，
you're going to get a simple answer out.
你会得到一个简单的答案。
If I ask you,
如果我问你，
'Were you terrified?'
“你害怕了吗？”
you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,
你会回应那句话中最有力的词，
which is 'terrified,'
即“恐惧”，
and the answer is 'Yes, I was'
而答案将是 “是的”
or 'No, I wasn't.'
或者“不是。”
'Were you angry?'
“你当时生气吗？”
'Yes, I was very angry.'
“是的，我很生气。”
Let them describe it.
让对方去描述，
They're the>对方才是了解情境的人。
Try asking them things like,
试着问他们，
'What was that like?'
“那是什么感觉？”
'How did that feel?'
“那感觉怎么样？”
Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,
因为这样一来，对方可能需要停下来想一想，
and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
而你会得到更有意思的回答。
Number four: Go with the flow.
第四：顺其自然。
That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.
也就是说，想法会自然流入你的头脑， 而你需要将它们表达出来。
We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
我们常听到采访中嘉宾说了几分钟, 然后主持人回过来问问题, 这问题好像不知道从何而来
or it's already been answered.
或者已经被回答过了。
That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question,
这说明主持人可能两分钟前就没在听，因为他想到了这个非常机智的问题，
and he was just bound and determined to say that.
于是就心心念念想着问这个问题。
And we do the exact same thing.
我们同样也会这么干。
We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,
当我们和某人坐在一起交谈时，
and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
我们突然想起那次和休·杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。
And we stop listening.
然后我们就不再听了。
Stories and ideas are going to come to you.
故事和想法总会不断向你涌来， 但即便无法阻止，
You need to let them come and let them go.
也不要让它们过多地在头脑中逗留。
Number five: If you don't know,
第五：如果你不知道，
say that you don't know.
就说你不知道。
Now, people>广播节目里的人，
especially>尤其在全国公共广播电台（NPR）中，
are much more aware that they're going>非常明白他们的谈话会被播放出去。
and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.
所以他们对自己声称是专家的东西和他们声称知道的东西更加谨慎。
Do that.
要学着这样做。
Err>谨言慎行。
Talk should not be cheap.
谈话应该要负责。
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.
第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。
If they're talking about having lost a family member,
如果对方谈论失去了家人，
don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.
不要就势开始说你失去家人的事情。
If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,
如果他们在谈论工作中遇到的麻烦，
don't tell them about how much you hate your job.
不要告诉他们你有多讨厌你的工作。
It's not the same.
这不一样的，
It is never the same.
永远不可能一样。
All experiences are individual.
任何经历都是独一无二的。
And, more importantly,
更重要的是，
it is not about you.
这不是在谈论你的事。
You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.
你不需要花那一刻来证明你是多么的了不起，或者你已经遭受了多大的痛苦。
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking>有人问过斯蒂芬·霍金他的智商是多少
and he said,
他说，
'I have no idea.
“我不知道。
People who brag about their IQs are losers.'
吹嘘自己智商的人是失败者。”
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
交谈不是用来推销自己的。
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.
第七条：尽量别重复自己的话。
It's condescending, and it's really boring,
这很咄咄逼人，也很无聊。
and we tend to do it a lot.
我们经常这样做。
Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,
尤其是在工作对话或者和孩子的谈话中，
we have a point to make,
我们想声明一个观点，
so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.
于是换着方式不停地说。
Don't do that.
别这样。
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
第八条：少说废话。
Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates,
说白了，没人在乎那些年份，名字， 日期等等这些，
all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.
你努力试图在脑中回想的种种细节。
They don't care.
别人不在乎。
What they care about is you.
他们关注的是你。
They care about what you're like,
对方关心你是什么样的人，
what you have in common.
和你有什么共同点。
So forget the details.
所以忘了细节吧。
Leave them out.
别管了。
Number nine: This is not the last>第九条：这不是最后一条，
but it is the most important>但是最重要的一条。
Listen.
认真倾听。
I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most,
我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过 倾听可能是最重要的，
the number>第一重要的你可以提升的技能。
Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
佛曰——我转述一下，
'If your mouth is open,
“如果你嘴不停，
you're not learning.'
你就学不到东西。”
And Calvin Coolidge said,
卡尔文·柯立芝曾说：
'No man ever listened his way out of a job.'
“从没有人是因为听太多而被开除的。”
Why do we not listen to each other?
为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？
Number>首先，我们更喜欢说。
When I'm talking,
我在说话时，
I'm in control.
一切在我的掌控之中。
I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.
我没必要听到我不感兴趣的事。
I'm the center of attention.
我是焦点。
I can bolster my own identity.
我可以强化自己的认同感。
But there's another reason: We get distracted.
但还有一个原因：我们会受到干扰。
The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,
平均每个人每分钟讲225个字，
but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.
但我们每分钟最多能听500个字。
So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
所以我们的脑子被这另外275个单词占据了。
And look, I know,
我知道
it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone,
真正注意听别人讲很耗费精力 。
but if you can't do that,
但如果你不这么做，
you're not in a conversation.
你们就不是在交谈。
You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
你们只不过是两个人在同一个地方彼此嚷嚷毫不相关的话。
You have to listen to>你们必须相互倾听。
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
史蒂芬·柯维对此有精彩的论述。
He said, 'Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.
他说：“我们大多数人 都不是为了理解而倾听。
We listen with the intent to reply.'
我们为了回应而听。”
One more rule, number 10,
最后一条，第十条：
and it's this>简明扼要。
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,
好的谈话就像一件迷你裙；短到足以保持兴趣，
but long enough to cover the subject.
又足够长，能够包纳（盖住）主体 ——
-- My Sister]
-我的妹妹
(Applause) All of this boils down to the same basic concept,
(掌声)所有这些都归结为是同一个概念，
and it is this>那就是：对他人产生兴趣。
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,
我在一个名人外公的身边长大，
and there was kind of a ritual in my home.
我家里宾客络绎不绝。
People would come over to talk to my grandparents,
访客会前来和我的外祖父母交谈，
and after they would leave,
而那些人离开后，
my mother would come over to us,
我妈妈会来找我们，
and she'd say,
她会说，
'Do you know who that was?
“你们知道那是谁吗？
She was the runner-up to Miss America.
她是美国小姐的亚军。
He was the mayor of Sacramento.
他是萨克拉门托市长。
She won a Pulitzer Prize.
她拿过普利策奖。
He's a Russian ballet dancer.'
他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞演员。”
And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden,
我在成长中默认了 每个人
amazing thing about them.
都有不为人知的精彩。
And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.
说真的，我想是这一切让我成为了更好的主持人。
I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can,
我尽量少说话，
I keep my mind open,
我敞开心扉，
and I'm always prepared to be amazed,
永远准备着迎接新的东西，
and I'm never disappointed.
我从不失望。
You do the same thing.
你们也可以这样。
Go out, talk to people,
走出门去，和别人交谈，
listen to people, and, most importantly,
倾听人们的意见，最重要的是，
be prepared to be amazed.
准备好收到惊喜吧。
Thanks.
谢谢。
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